Every time I open up my heart.
It just gets thrown into trash and gets stepped on repeatedly.

I didn't do anything wrong.
My conscience is clear.

Life has robbed me of a lot of things.
I am growing tired.

I am grew up and am growing up in a way that makes my heart numb and hardened to many things.

But the only reason I can still take it is because God is part of my life.
Not giving up now. Hold on. Cause when I pass through the finishing line, I won't regret it.
Thank you lord Jesus.

Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Happy Birthday Lord Jesus!

Had a family and relatives gathering BBQ. Quite an epic BBQ where the rain suddenly poured and all of us were holding mat covers up to cover the BBQ pit area while preventing everyone from getting drenched.
But what matters was everyone there was happy and that is all that matters.

I don't know a lot of complicated things in this world and relationships. But I know one thing for sure is that I like you a lot.
I promise to try my very best to give you the best sense of security and try my very best to make you happy so that I can see that smile on your face every time.
I'll be very honest with you. I have never done this before and maybe slow to certain things. I hope you can be patient and understanding.

It took me a lot of thinking and courage before I decided on what I did today. But I will not have any regrets now that I have said it out.

If you feel the same and are willing to allow me to be there for you.
I will be waiting for your reply.

19th Birthday

Another number added to my age. Another new year to look ahead to.
Dinner at Sakae with family, long time since we last do this with joy.
Bought new shoes, new berms, and new T-shirts.

Thanks to my Mom, Dad, Aunt, and cute younger brother for everything.

A big thank you to those who sent in  their well wishes on this day to make it special for me. Even though it's just another day, I really appreciate everyone.

New resolutions would be:

• Not be late for Japanese classes.
• Work harder for things I wanna achieve.
• Help out in a needy home. 

Ah halt. I shall not continue. It's said that saying out what you want to achieve may lead to me not fulfilling it.
So I shall not.

But most importantly, what I want to change and am not ashamed to say. It's to be a better Christian and draw closer to God.

Last but not least, continue to try my best to be there.

Dear God, I pray for your blessings to be upon those who are important to me in my life. I pray that may you bless them through this festive season that may their lives be filled with joy and happiness. May they be healthy and may their wishes and prayers come true. I pray for patience, patience so that I will be able to wait on and give me the confidence and strength I need to carry on through trials and hard times.
In Jesus name I pray, AMEN!

Please don't give up on me. Please..

"You don't give me the sense of security." 

That was what I heard from a women having a conversation with someone on the other side of her line.
It always amaze me how they can come up with such lame ass excuse. But afterall, who am I to judge?

Arm area where blood was taken from me started swelling but nothing big, mom said just massage and it should be fine. Looking forward to a boring holiday..

Training

Back from a long jog. All those training I have been going through and persevered on, is starting to show it's results. Stamina is much better than when I first started training. After jogging I didn't pant as much and caught my breathe much faster.

Pull ups. From zero, I am able to see the results. Managed to do 5 finally. Although it took some time, I am finally the difference from when I could do none.

Persevering will show results no matter good or bad. What matters is I held on.

Thinking about whether I should take NAPFA again or just go in 2 months earlier. Looks like I have to make good use of the upcoming 3 weeks hols to build myself up for NAPFA and army.

Smiled my way home after jogging looking at my phone.

Thank you Jesus, for teaching me to never give up on both things and people precious to me and to hold on to these. Thank you lord for teaching me to pray. For you hear our prayers and answers them in your own mysterious ways. Thank you lord. AMEN!

From the heart

I'll constantly be keeping you in my prayers.

Keep the faith going.

Been getting angry easily the past few days. Tutorials which I can't do no matter how much I try. Lectures which are so dry and complicated. Lack of sleep.

I don't know how long I can hold on here. But all I can think of is to cool myself down and read the bible.

Thank God, I went to church for cell on last Sunday. Alina touched on the subject of sin and the fall of men. The point she pointed out "who are we to demand anything from God?" struck me and I thought about it.

Everything we have right now, are all given to us by God. And he has the right to take them away from us. It's part of God's will and he had already came up with a plan for each and everyone of us. Natural disasters happen, yes God allowed it. But it does not mean he does not care for us. It's because of our sins that mother nature have to pay. If through losing someone or something precious, a whole family come to know of the truth and light, and come to accept Jesus. It might not be entirely bad.

I guess God do work in mysterious ways. When he closes a door, he opens another for us.

What a cool Friday. Outing with classmates which did not happen in a long long time. Caught Harry Potter; the deathly hallows. It's kinda boring but the spells fighting scenes were kinda cool, but too short.

Ate at burger king and pastamania. Tomorrow I really have to do extra exercises to burn this crap off. Anyway it's fine to pamper ourselves once in awhile.

Currently can't wait till Jap classes begins. Really wanna learn that language real bad and since it's something that interest me and I get to do it, I won't give up.

Still in the process of carrying out the promise.

To me, you're nothing but a pest to me.

It's the final lap.. Won't be seeing you in a long time. So it's okay. Too bad school does not allow changing of classes, so I have da bear with it through 3 years seeing your face everyday. 

I tried to be forgiving, but some people ain't worth my time. 

So bye. Do some soul searching for yourself when you realize you needed some. 

All the best of luck to doing so. 

Today was a day just like one of those people will feel?

The feeling of giving up.

Even though I have been keeping up the "never give up" attitude, today I didn't practice what I preached.

I went jogging with Spencer feeling fucked up. When we came to pull ups section, we did tgt.
Even when I couldn't do anymore, I tried. I pushed, but I still couldn't hit 7 pull ups. Slowly, I wanted to give up. However, Spencer helped lift my legs up to aid me with pull ups. I reached the limit and I just couldn't take it.

With all the shit that happened or is going on in my mind, I had to release them all. I punched the metal pole real hard. He knew he should let me take a breather. And he did. I walked around to cool myself down and then Spencer said, come on we got more pull ups to do. And he helped me again.

It's not about the inability to do the pull ups, but it's the lesson I learnt from this. Although life hasn't been great, and I have tried so much so hard to make it better, I can't give up now. It's because of his simple help to aid me with the pull ups, I see the need to continue on.

The problem with true friends are, even though they know that it irritates the hell out of you by saying some stuff. They still say them. Because they know it helps you to get back onto your feet and they want you to come back strong.

Haven't teared in a long time, but today I did. Been holding back myself for too long. Won't be seeing this side of me for a long time to come.

Even though you irritate the shit out of me Spencer, I know you mean well. Thanks buddy.

I promised myself to never give up.

Don't be afraid..

Don't be afraid..

I promised myself to never forget.

Don't be afraid..

Don't be afraid..

It's not as complicated as it seems.

Don't be afraid..

Don't be afraid.

31st Oct 2010

Having chest pain now. Lasted for the whole day. Hope it doesn't persist.

Went jogging and some pull ups training this morning. Amazing that I actually woke up early for exercise. 

Maybe I have been over-working myself too much and giving myself too little sleep. 

Just realised that my group's pdpe project CA3 is screwed as we didn't include a lot of things. Guess tomorrow will be another long day in school for me to work on CA3. 

Enough about me..

Today is a very special day, not that it's Halloween and not that I care about Halloween, more importantly it's my cousin's birthday.

Happy Birthday Wei Chao.

15 years old already, time to concentrate on O's next year. 

Always be happy and if there's any problem, you can count on me. I'll try my best to help you.

Dear Lord Jesus, I pray that may you bless my cousin in every possible way. For today is a special day to mark his existence and life you have given him. Please do guide him in his life and daily events. Help him to know that no matter what happens, he have family members and relatives who care a lot for him. May he grow to be a strong young man. All this I pray in Jesus's most precious name. Amen.

Thanks

I won't ask you to wait for me.
Cause I am in no position to request anything from you.

I won't say that I will be there for you always.
Cause I want to prove it through my actions.

I won't promise I won't lose my temper again.
Cause when I see someone doing something bad to you I get angry.

And

I won't force you to let me take care of you.
Cause I will wait for you.

Day 4 of the first week of school.

LAN with the usual people had some fun. Better than hanging out in school.

Cannot be bothered about much things. PDPE deadline on Monday. But I can't really seem to care. Cos.. I don't look forward to school. Finally losing steam in trying to make things right, losing steam in aiming for something greater and just losing steam for everything. Wanna exercise, the fucking haze steps in.

So damn tired that when I got home, just slop onto the sofa and slept. Looks like going to school to face things you don't really like rather takes up loads of energy. All the limping from the knee injury is making me tired too. Hope the wounds heals up soon.

Gotta take out the guitar to learn something new again. At least it puts me into a world of my own where music is my best friend.

Need to find my steady solid ground to stand on again. It's all just patches of wet mud and a little of quake sand now.

Can't really care any less than what I can now.

Hurt my knee. Fell while jogging in the dark without realizing a root of a tree sticking out. Scrapped it and hurt the bone without knowing.

Haven't felt this physical hurt for a real long time. Sometimes this kinda hurt helps bring me back to reality that not all things will go the way you want. We may fall while on this journey called life. But no matter what people say, what matters is that I have managed to pull myself up and put myself back on my feet.


"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Ermm.. Lets just call it it's complicated?" Cos I don't even know what's going on...

"Yeah okay. Getting a girlfriend is not really good. There might be many problems and such to face. The pressure might make you break down."

"Oh okay.. maybe... some kind of physical hurt is nothing as compared to the hurt someone you care might bring to you."

Some kinds of fall require a longer time or requires someone to help pull us back up.
Tiredness might just be another way our body choose to help us escape from the pain.

WHY?

Fuck it...

Fuck these feelings...

Fuck my emotions... 

NAFA is only 2 to 3 more weeks away. Funny how I keep saying I don't wanna go in 2 months earlier but I am training quite little. Partially due to my body. My knee has been giving me pain and it won't go away.

Maybe it's time to go for a medical check up which I didn't do for a long long time. Treasuring the time we have and making the best out of it. I have to treasure it.

I should really thank people around me who care for me. Who without me knowing came into my life and continue to care for me.  My grandma called me the other day, asking me if I wanna learn how to drive, and if I wanted to, she would give me the money to learn. I told her it's okay I have the money to learn, but she kept insisting. She said to me, whatever you want to learn or do, tell me... For I will support you always. She is really the pillar of support for me. Since young she had never let me fall... Even though I have fallen many times due to straying away from the safe side... She always stood by me...

It's amazing how one realise the importance of time when something bad happens, or when one is faced with an illness. One person who taught me so is aya... Never give up and be strong.

Staying cheerful and happy always.. is the best.

Thank you Lord for the people you have put into my life. For their existence is of utmost importance to me. Thank you Lord for them when I need help, when I fail, when I fall, they are always there waiting to lend me a helping hand. I pray for your blessings to be upon them and may they remain happy always and forever more. All these I pray in Jesus name. AMEN.

It's one week into the holidays. The second week officially starts today.

Time flies funny isn't it? When it's the schooling season, we always wishes for the holidays to come quickly. And when it comes, it seems to pass so quickly when we are just wasting it away. I'm starting to see the time given to me on this Earth as a gift from God and I want to start making use of this precious time to fulfill the things I want to do.

I used to be someone with no aims, goals or dreams. I used to just live for the moment, live for the day. But now I realised I had sub-consciously picked up some interests in things I wanna accomplish so strongly. Even though I had these interests back then, I always put them down as I didn't have the courage to carry them out.

However, I do not want this to stay. Now I have realised the things I want to accomplish no matter how hard it may be. I can if I believe and put in the effort.

As long as I place God in the center of my life.

When life leaves us blind..
Love keeps us kind..
Love keeps us kind..
It keeps us kind.....

Been playing alot since school ended. Feels good.. But something is lacking. Sleep maybe.
I don't know man. Been getting angry easily for the pass few days over the slightest irritation by anyone.
Gotten rather angry on Friday already.
Friday well, it was fked up.

At least to make up for it, caught 2 movies and played some LAN with Tristan, Daryl and Edwin. Thought Tristan left after the 1st movie as he had to work the next day. Resident evil afterlife was okay I would say though they left a cliffhanger for the viewers. Everyone was like aww.. There will be the next movie.
I need to do this more to clear my head totally. From school from shit from everything.

You and your family of the same gender brings the most sorrow into the life of  my gender.

If, you think you are so perfect. Please maybe you might wanna consider leaving this not so perfect piece of shit alone?

Exams are finally over. Everyone came out with a smile on their face and all asked where to next? Home or happy hour. I thought I would rejoice and such. But I came out faking a smile and probably feeling empty for the first time after exams.

Maybe having the exams was much better than not having any. At least exams make me feel pressurized to study and not think of anything else. At least it helps me not think of her. Now I got all the time in the world, my mind starts to wander off to many things. If I ever cross her mind again, lets just hope I'm still around.

Smile more... Sure.. When I find the reason for me to.

So hard to even reply. So hard to even wish me all the best. So hard to just be normal and talk. I am tired, really tired. This period I have been put through really made me tired. Please don't smile for just that moment. Please don't be nice for just that moment. Please make it nice whenever we talk or meet. Please don't leave me hanging like this or please don't let me feel the cold.

I meant everything I said. I want you to do your best, and I said it from the bottom of my heart. I still remember the deal we had. I am still trying to make it come true. No matter how busy I am, I always try to put you in my mind. I don't know about you.. I hope it's the same. I might not be the most handsome guy, I might not be the most smart-talking guy, I might not be what you want me to be. But are you willing to accept me for who I am? Well I am ready to accept you for who you are if you need to know.

I don't know if sharing these thoughts are bad or good.. But it sure made me feel better.
Another tiring day..
Retiring off to bed...

zZz..

Need a break

Been getting too little proper sleep and my mind can't seem to think straight.

Dear lord Jesus, I pray that may you give me the strength to make it through this period of time. Help me to focus on my studies and help me to keep a clear mind so that I can think properly. Heal my heart and make it clean lord Jesus. I can't put into words the things you have done for me and the guidance you have provided me through every phase in my life. Even when I fail you, you are always there. Thank you God Almighty and please continue to shine your light upon my soul.
All these I pray in Jesus name.
AMEN!

Not changing my decision.

Caught an hour of sleep. The very least of help I could do my body.

These nights have been rather long for me. Diarrhea from last night, having a big pimple-like thingy at my back which hurts every time I lie on my back and I just can't stop thinking. My heart does not allow me to. Once the exams are over, I gotta let the whole world know. Cos I can't miss doing this everyday when I need to treasure every moment I've got.
You're the one Mabel.

There's a paper tomorrow, but I haven't touched my notes. They're still in my bag. And here comes Mr. Diarrhea knocking on my tummy's door.

Ciao
Everything will be better tomorrow and I know it will, for God is my strength.

Shudn't have lost it... My bad.

Always losing that chance guess it's still best to grab hold of it whenever you have the chance. As it is said, " Never put off what you can do today for tomorrow."

It is the same for studies during exam period and for lost opportunities we all had in the past. It's best to carry out what you have planned to do today then to regret it some time down the road. Sometimes life needs a rewind button but sometimes sad to say, we don't get that rewind often.

Today was rather fruitful but yet tiring. However, thanks to God I managed to pull through today with ease and I have proven something. Always start the day with a prayer a short one is also okay. It's the thought that counts after all and God knows it. It is also always good to end it with a prayer too.

Thank you lord for guiding me through today, without you I wouldn't have gotten through it easily. Thank you lord for the strength both physically and mentally. Please continue to lead me by the hand through all of my days and I entrust everything unto you. Dear lord father God, I also pray that may you continue to lead me into prayer everyday be it for others, someone special or myself. Thank you God. All these I pray in Jesus name. AMEN!

First and the last or nothing at all.

Go ahead or stop right now. Seems like I have only these 2 choices placed right in front of me, I have to choose.

Dear lord, I come before you ask you to guide me with each step in my life, to help me make the right decisions and to always put you first in my life. Give me strength and determination to carry out the things I want to accomplish for your glory.

All these I pray and hand it all to you. In Jesus name I pray.

AMEN.

Kim Dong Wook - My Heart Is Cursing

Smile a little more
With a happy smile
So that you can comfort my heart
That keeps looking for you
Smile a little more
So that the world would be jealous
So that my heart that keeps calling for you
Would not be able to become greedy
My heart curses at me
because I can’t even say I love you
My tears burst
because my longing for you flows and flows
Only that sad phrase has been struck to my throat like a thorn
And remain in my ears the whole day
Why does it have to be you
Why did I have to love you
Even if I shake my head, deny it
I can’t let you go
My heart curses at me,
because I can’t even say I love you
My tears burst,
because my longing for you flows and flows
Only that sad phrase has been struck to my throat like a thorn
And remain in my ears the whole day
I love you, I love you
Forever
Even if you don’t look at me
Even if I say it a thousand times, you don’t know
Even if I wait at the same spot, you don’t know
My foolish love that simply looks at you like an idiot
You don’t know, No matter what

Yeah I'm an idiot... I can't seem to say it.

Almost there, then fever came...

One day there was this boy.
Who tried talking to a girl, and somehow he might have said something wrong without knowing but the girl started to ignore him.
He kept wondering what did he do wrong exactly. However, he had no answer to him question.

Slowly, he changed for the worst or the better he don't know. He became cold really cold. To some it might mean a better change for him, to some it might be something bad and to some they might not even bother. But to him it doesn't matter.

I know this boy so well to be true. But I don't know how to help him and he does not know how to help himself.

New influence in my life. John frusciante. Fav guitarist of all time. That's what i call talent.

Pass few days has been fucking awesome. Skipped school on Friday as it's fucked up as usual. Wonder how I will do for this semester, but just had to let some fucking steam off. Music really does wonders, thanks to you my bro Joshua.

Look for help, people give it to you with sincerity. People ask you for your motherfucking help, show some motherfucking sincerity if not fuck off. True friends don't motherfucking look for each when help is needed bitch. Every fucking action affect me I wonder why uh.. Maybe I should not bother so much next time as it ain't worth my time.

That's about it for someone who caused me misery in my life for some time.

Someone meaningful

Ever since I lost you as a friend or something more(if it meant something to you), I lost it seriously.  A simple message would really help to save my soul. It feels nice to see you and it would be nice to hear from you again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGi0R835EFQ


Take me as I am... Let me be your hand. I just wanna be with you.

Motivation needed.. Forcing myself to study real hard. Wanna at least get through this year and then I can finally go to the final year.

Been really tiring for me and ofc looking forward to the hols. At least I get some time off from school and get more rest.

1 more week to go.
God help me through the exams..

Today will be a day where loads of people will go out and celebrate valentines day in advance.

Couples everywhere, flowers everywhere and most people might be busy with reunion dinner.
Guess people will be having the best day in their life i guess.

No plans, no place to go to and nothing to do. That's my plan for today... Haha. what a day some will say.
Maybe a day where I can just set my mind at ease and think about my exams or maybe a day of silence spent with me, myself and xavier.

I'll never ask for anyone for you... Please don't continue this road like this for me. Traveling on this kinda icy and tough road gets us no where. But even if the car you're on is gonna crash, I'll crash mine in your place.

Haha.. finally back again.

Pretty much busy with school work and such. What's a class with less than 10 people in a lecture theatre today!! The way ah.

Well at least it's much quieter than usual.
Better than nothing.

Talk by William Bill Krantz. Really helpful and inspirational. How to never let go of your dreams, hold onto them and never give them up no matter what... How people who step into your life might help change you in the most unexpected way you ever know. Amazing speech definitely. =]

Tomorrow will be Brenda, Trudy, Shahirah, Sin kim and Kenneth's turn to present on their product design and development. Haha.. All the best to them and no stress and fear man...

To end of:
What did the dog say to the tree?